ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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