which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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