i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
