Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
