I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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