My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
