i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
