I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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