4 words: hood of his car
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
