Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
