dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
