I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
