This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
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I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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