Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
