So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
