its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
