Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
