Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
vagina is talking i cant
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
