i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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