Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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