The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
