I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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