i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
