I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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