don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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