She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
as a side note pls kill me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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