I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
