It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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