my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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