btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
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my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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