Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
