....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
