If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
