i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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