Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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