I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Randomize
