Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
