I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
