Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
