his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
