pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
