She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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