Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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