all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
