Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
