Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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