ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
