Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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