Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
