apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
