So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
