Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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