i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
