i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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