I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
