my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
