I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
