apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
