I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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