yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
These tits shall not be calmed
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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